I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
