Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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