Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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