I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
