after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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