I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
