I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
