New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
