you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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