After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I love how my cats smell like pot.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
