at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
