i wish my penis had a tongue
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
