I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
