Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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