winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
