My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
