Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
