Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
