Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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