i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
