I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
