I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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