Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
and you said cock pushups were impossible
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
