when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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