Have you finally orgasmed yet?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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