I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
