I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
