My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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