Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
