There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
