i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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