I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
