I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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