you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
