had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
