Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
