your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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