And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
