Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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