My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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