I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
