I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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