I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
