My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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