Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
