Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
