i would punch a child for taco bell
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
