I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Randomize
