He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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