He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
