He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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