I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
