I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
