I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
